Today marks exactly a year from the last journal post I've written. That post was written about a cruise to Mexico I took with my family. I met a lot of people, but there are two that really stood out to me, and mattered later on in the year. Josh, and Cewan.

I was involved with Cewan on the boat. He had a girlfriend at the time, but she was a cheater and he wanted someone who would actually care about him. I was fine with that, I liked him and I needed to forget people, too.
Josh is the nicest person I've ever met. He, Cewan and I did everything together on that boat. Josh is a very simple-minded person, but he's so kind and generous that it doesn't even matter.

We all kept contact with each other after the boat. And while Josh and I became better friends, Cewan and I fell in love. Or at least I did. I believe there was a time where he actually loved me, but I believe that there was even more time when it was just a show.

I lost my virginity to Cewan in late February, when he drove 3 hours just to see me for a weekend.

Three weeks later, Cewan drove up again, as did Josh, for my 16th birthday party. It was an incredible weekend.

One of my best friends, Stacey, fell for Josh at my party. They started dating a week later.

In late May, Stacey, Cewan, and I went to Josh's house for his 17th birthday party. There I met Max, one of Josh's close friends. We had a lot in common, and we talked half way through the night. A week before this happened, Cewan told me for the first time that he didn't love me anymore. I was... Crushed.

Max and I kept contact after the party, and we grew closer. A week or two after Josh's party, Cewan went to a gathering and cheated on me. I mean, we had never actually been dating, but it was like dating without the title. Even thought he'd told me he didn't love me, after the party he said he was mistaken. I was so miserable I cried for 3 days and didn't eat anything in that time, either. Max was the only one who could console me, and in that time he told me that he'd liked me since he first laid eyes on me.  I was flattered, since I had liked him, too, when we met. We started talking all the time. I had stopped talking to Cewan because it hurt so much. But a week later, he came back. And he told me he was wrong.

I got a huge sob story that day. But I told him about Max, and HE was crushed. I wanted to be with Max, but Cewan was my life. Who I was was because of him. So I stayed. Max and I still kept talking, kept the feelings alive. But then Max got sick and told me that he couldn't be what I needed him to be, and he disappeared.

That text sent me flying back into Cewan's arms. And for a while, everything seemed so perfect between us. Better than it'd ever been. But that bliss was false. Cewan found another girl to fall for. And another week Cewan free happened. The day that marked the week of me not talking to him was the day before he was having his graduation/ birthday party. His 19th birthday party. The only reason I texted him was because I was visiting family and I was very close to his home. He told me to come. So I did.

That day, he met up with the girl he had fallen for, and he insisted on dragging me along. His friend who came along really sympathized with me, and agreed that it was a total slap in the face. I had to watch them kiss, and I really felt like my insides were falling apart.

I tried so hard to stay friends with him, but it was so hard. We went through silent periods frequently. Over the summer, he dated another girl, a 14 YEAR OLD GIRL. Remember, people, Cewan is 19 years old. They had sex. And her parents were ok with it. Cewan cheated on her with me, surprise surprise. That was the last time I ever saw him.

In July, Max and I got back into contact with each other, and we realized that our feelings were still alive. Josh invited Max and I down to his beach house, and we spent three blissful days together. I thought everything would work out with us. As usual, I was wrong.

After a while, Max and I lost contact again. The next time I saw Max, I was dating my friend, Stacey. I realized the Max's feelings were gone after a phone call that happened a week after I saw him.

Stacey was a disaster. I had liked her for a while, but after asking her how she felt about me, she told me she was straight. So, naturally, I gave up, and moved on. My feelings were basically completely gone when she told me she liked me, and that she was actually Bi. I felt obligated to ask her out because I didn't want to hurt her feelings, which was one of the STUPIDEST things I've ever done. We went out for a month, and I was so miserable and irritable that I just broke it off with her. (Thankfully, we're even closer than we were before, currently, and this is the best way for things to be.)

I had little crushes after that, but after none of them went correctly, I literally gave up hope. I realized that there was nobody in my life that was interested in me, so, on day in my social studies class, I decided to open my mind to outside possibilities.

That very night, a boy I had met at my computer camp 3 and a half years ago contacted me on AIM. He and I talked a lot and caught up with each other.

And then he professed his love for me. His undying love, that he had kept afloat for 3 years of not talking to me at all. Now, I'm going to be completely honest, this was more than a little creepy, and I had no idea how to handle it, so I just kinda poked and prodded at him until I was sure it wasn't some sort of cruel practical joke. (It's happened before). But then I realized that he was being honest. And I fell for him.

He asked me out, and I said yes. We talked constantly, all the time. A few days after he asked, I drove two hours to see him. And I learned so much about him, how similar, so amazingly alike we are. He had written songs and poems about me, and he played some on his guitar, which was probably the most adorable thing anyone has ever done for me.

His name is Nick. He does just about everything. Like speaking Greek and Italian and playing 5 or 6 sports and guitar and sax. He sings and acts, and he's bi, too. He's taller than me, and absolutely gorgeous. He's intelligent and funny, playful and powerful. When he speaks, everyone listens. I respect him more than anyone I know.

He also happens to have a fiance, who he got betrothed to. He's working on getting it revoked so he can be completely mine and fulfill his dream of becoming a priest.

I love him. He completes me. And I know he loves me more than life itself.


I hope y'all have a good 2012. And I hope mine will be better than my 2011. But now that I have Nick... I'm pretty sure it will be.